Toys for Twats

Dear Mr. Slapass,
I’m a married woman of 5 years with 3 kids, 2 Dobermans, no job, a deadbeat husband, and I have a horrific case of Gonorrhea that has spread to my throat, anus and rectum. I’m surviving on money given to me by the government, and even that seems to dissipate as soon as I get my weekly manicure. Anyways, over the last 2 years my husband has refused to touch me in a sexual manner. He’s terrified of my Gonorrhea, and after popping out 3 massive children, my vagina has yet to contract back to its original size, and I doubt it ever will. With my lack of intercourse and vaginal tightness, my only means to achieve sexual happiness is to shove my arms inside of my vagina and tickle my insides with my spirit fingers…The only problem is that after I finish pleasing myself with my arms, they are then covered in puss filled scabs and they end up smelling like a fat man’s testicles after running 16 miles in underwear that hasn’t been changed in weeks.

While you might think I’m just writing you a sob story in hopes of you assuring me that I’m still attractive and worthy of your Capone bone, I’m really not. In fact, I figured you’d have the power and financial backing to do a woman like myself a favor. I was wondering if you’d be willing to fit some time into your busy daily schedule to contribute something to myself and other women like me…Women who are unable to satisfy themselves for whatever reason and women who are too broke to afford any devices dedicated to helping women reach good ol’ fashioned orgasms! I’m not quite sure what I have in mind other than you buying us all giant dildos, but I’d love to hear any suggestions you may have. I know I probably won’t get a response, but I’d appreciate it if you sent some sort of note back.
Hoping you can help,
Cathy Stinktwat

After getting a look at that letter, I began to feel helpless. I make nowhere near enough to purchase sex toys for all the women in need. Hell, I barely make enough to purchase 3 cans of beans and a loaf of bread for my weekly nutrition. As I was about to shut the monitor off and leave the room frustrated, a wondrous thought popped into my head! Living in Las Vegas gives me the resources I need to make something incredible happen: There are plenty of hookers available for work in exchange for some weed and coke (I actually planned on giving them oregano and baking powder), I run a fairly trafficked website, and getting the word out for an event would be no problem! As my mind continued to work overtime, the final plan surfaced! This will be an event that will be held every year! It will include some of the city’s most sucessful hookers, cheesiest entertainment, and it can be held in the parking lot of the sleaziest adult hotel in town! This will be an event designed to bring underprivileged women sexual satisfaction by the use of giant plastic dongs! This will be the first annual Toys for Twats drive sponsored by Slapass.net!

While you might wonder what the hell a Toys for Twats drive is, I’ll spare you the chore of thinking and I’ll just explain. With some help from a few local radio stations, cheesy magazines that let you run free ads, this website, posters glued to poles and power boxes around the city and word of mouth, a crowd was an easy thing to attract. The entire premise behind the drive is simple. People donate cash to men walking the streets with old boots posing as firefighters, or they come to the adult motel parking lot and dump some cash into giant beer kegs. They can also donate a new or used sex toy into a giant toy box molded in the shape of a large erect penis! All proceeds will go to the OCBH fund: Orgasmically Challenged Broke Ho’s Fund. In exchange for their monetary donations and sex toys, contributors then get to pick the street walker of their choice, use 1 of 5 donated rooms at the adult motel and give the hooker a go for a time period of 15 minutes. Rooms were rented to us in exchange for pictures of the toy recipients using their plastic dongs and silver vibes, and hookers donated their time and bodies in exchange for the Coke and Weed (AKA. oregano and baking powder).

Needless to say, the event was a huge success and over $4,000 was donated, and we filled the back of a Chevy Avalanche with plastic cocks and metallic vibrators! While the whereabouts of the $4,000 is a not known, or at least not by anybody else but myself, all of the donated toys were delivered to the women in need, and Slapass helped to make these women’s day a little bit brighter! Since I feel all warm and tingly, I might consider giving even more back to the community. We’ll just have to wait and see! If you’d like to see some of the photos sent to me by the sex toy recipients, just click below! If there is something Slapass can help you with, drop me a line!