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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!!!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "You're right Lord, it is very selfish of me. I wish then, that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and I would like to know how I can make that woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Ford think of everything!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." the woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although,when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this,she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her tits, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "Well, No", she says...............................
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A young women buys a book called "What Women Want".
Her boyfriend picks it and starts thumbing through it. She says, "What are you looking for?" He says, "I justed wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
A man who had been dating a shy blonde for a short while decided it was time to have a conversation about sex.
"Ever think of having anal sex?" he asked.
"I could never," she said.
Disappointed, he said, "What a bout regular sex?"
"I couldn't. I need to be a virgin on my wedding night," she replied.
"Well, where do you stand on oral sex then?" he asked.
"I don't know why it matters but usually at the side of the bed. And I don't stand, I kneel"
A little blind girl goes up to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, when will I be able to see?" Her mom replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girl's eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mom's bedroom and shouted "Quick mommy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl cried "Mommy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
A girl approaches a priest and says, "Quickie Father? Only 5 bucks."
The priest says, "No, thank you"
Anther girl comes up to him and says, "A quickie? Just 5 dollars."
He says, "No thanks."
When he gets back to the church he asks one of the nuns, "What is a quickie?"
The nun says, "Five dollars. The same as in town."
Oscar walks into the house and yells to his wife, "Honey i won another Big Dick contest!"
"My God! You pulled that big hairy thing out in front of a room full of strangers again?" she yells.
He says, "Nope, just enough to win."
A genie appears to a man and a group of his friends and says, "I will grant you one of these three things: infinite wisdom, wealth or beauty. Which do you choose?"
The man instantly says, "Wisdom."
The genie does his thing and disappears.
The friends are staring and then one says, "Say something wise."
The man sadly says, "I should have taken the money."
A man goes to a therapist, "Doc, you have to help me. Evrey night my wife goes to Larry's Bar to pick up guys." Therapist says, "Just relax, take a deep breath and tell me where this Larry's Bar is."
2 guys are drinking in the bar and one guys says, "The one thing I have learned about women, is that you can't trust them if they have brown eyes."
The other guys says, "Shit! I have no idea what color my wife's eyes are." And hurries home to check.
His wife is laying in bed apparently asleep. He peaks into her eye and says,"Oh no! Brown."
Mr. Brown the neighbor crawls out from under the bed and says, "How did you know I was there?"
A man and a women are having sex in a dark forest.
After 15 minutes the man says, "It is darker then hell here. I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman said, "Yeah, so do I, as you have been eating grass for the last 10 minutes."
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands By Gerhard Reinke
Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's!
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?
Is this bratwurst kosher?
Where's the hash at? It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?
This wall isn't so great.
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?
Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country. What's it mean -- 'Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?
You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?
After a long day of travel, I'm famished. Hey - those flies sure love your pregnant son!
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An accountant gets home late one night & his wife says, "Where the hell
have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?"
she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar
bill on my penis," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?"
she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?" "Well, one, I like to watch my
money grow," he began. "Two, once in a while, I like to play with my
money...Three, I like how money feels in my hand...And lastly, instead
of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home & blow a
hundred bucks anytime you want!!"
A doctor gave his blonde patient a packet of birth control pills. A week later, she returned and told him they were not working.
"What's wrong with them," the doctor asked?
"They keep falling out," She replied!